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The Old One's are the Best!!!!
> Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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> Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
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> 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
> 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
> 'Is it common?'
> 'It's not unusual.'
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>
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>
>
> 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
>
> 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
>
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>
> Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
>
> 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
>
> 'No, because he's really heavy'
>
>
>
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>
> 'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
>
> 'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
>
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>
> Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
>
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>
> So I went to the dentist.
>
> He said 'Say Aaah.'
>
> I said 'Why?'
>
> He said 'My dog's died.'
>
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>
> So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
>
> 'Who's speaking please?'
>
> And a voice said 'You are.'
>
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>
> So I rang up my local swimming baths.
>
> I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
>
> He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
>
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>
> So I rang up a local building firm,
>
> I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
>
> He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>
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>
> Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
> people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>
> It's either my mum or my dad.
>
> Or my older brother Colin.
>
> Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>
> But I think it's Colin.
>
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>
> So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
> he said 'You've been promoted.'
>
> And I swerved.
>
> And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
>
> And I swerved again.
>
> He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
>
> And I went into a tree.
>
> And a policeman came up and said
>
> 'What happened to you?'
>
> And I said 'I careered off the road.'
>
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>
> Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
>
> The one I was in went back and forwards.
>
> I thought 'This is unusual'.
>
> And the dentist said to me
>
> 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
> me a lift?'
>
> I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
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>
> Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
>
> 'Does this taste funny to you?'
>
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>
> Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
> the other was eating fireworks.
>
> They charged one and let the other one off.
>
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>
> You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>
> They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
>
> So that was nice.
>
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>
> A man walked into the doctors,
>
> The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
>
> The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
>
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>
> A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several
> places'
>
> The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'
>
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>
> I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
>
> He wasn't very happy.
>
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>
> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
> find any.
>
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>
> I bought some HP sauce the other day.
>
> It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
>
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>
> Two blondes walk into a building...........you'd think at least one of
> them would have seen it.
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Phone answering machine message -
>
> '...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>
> He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
>
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>
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
>
> A strong currant pulled him in.
>
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>
> A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
>
> He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
>
> The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
>
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>
> I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
>
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>
> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
>
> They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
> you can't have your kayak and heat it.
>
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>
> Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
> hundreds and thousands.
>
> Police say that he topped himself.
>
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>
> Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
>
> The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'
>
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